


Moles to go before I sleep

by AwatereJones



Series: Ianto Strikes Back [7]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Bog - Freeform, Cold, Gen, Grumpy - Freeform, Humor, Mud, Texting, spell-check, wet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-07 07:12:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5447804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sentrosi pointed out a spelling mistake I had missed and I couldn't stop laughing at myself. Why not all laugh, so this is my take on Ianto/Owen responses to the same spelling mistake. </p><p> </p><p>DAMN YOU SPELL CHECK!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sentrosi](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Sentrosi).



Owen was wet, cold and unbelievably pissed off.

"I thought this was the T-boy's bloody job!" Owen snarked and he felt his sneaker starting to pull away as the bog held fast.

The mire seemed to go for miles, nothing but life sucking mud, reeds, tussock grass and what was sure to be bloody rabbit and sheep shit everywhere.

Could be worse.

Could be cows.

Owen looked over as Gwen struggling thought the mud with her udders swinging and felt a wee bit better.

"Ianto has a cold from doing this exact thing for three days in a row!" Tosh chastised the acidic Londoner, "Poor boy is wreaked. Come on, at least it's not a weevil for us!"

She squealed as she slipped down a small incline, wind milling her arms.

"Well, not my fault he wasn't properly dressed for this shithole!" Owen sniped, remembering the wails as Ianto was forced to throw his favourite oxfords into the incinerator like he was killing his favourite pet or something.

 _Big bitch wouldn't fit in there; her wings don't fold enough._ Owen grinned at his private joke he vowed never to repeat. That boy was far too fond of the big leather winged bitch.

"Excuse me, but you are the one who defended Splott when I was complaining" Ianto's voice came through the comms. "Not my fault the weather has been biblical all week!"

"Stuff off!" Owen snarled, slipping again.

"For goodness sake!" Gwen collapsed into the mad, letting her arms flop into the reeds. "I give up. I am the marsh man!"

Owen tried to glare but found a giggle escaping as she sat up and her hair came away as one huge mud ball.

"Nice posy in ya hair Cooper!" Owen giggled and she reached back to pat to her hair, horror setting in as she felt something solid.

"Oh my god, what is it?" Gwen tried to turn her head but couldn't quite make it out.

"Come here ya Muppet" Owen sighed, reaching for her as Tosh reached for the other arm.

Now all three of them were in the mire, swearing and rolling over each other as they tried to get back up.

"Fuck sake!" Owen roared, "Mud wrestling without a referee!"

"Ya missing it Jack, probably watching on some CCTV camera strapped to the back of a passing bloody cow or something knowing you!" Owen snipped from his hands and knees.

Silence.

"Ah fuck! Me comms are out!" Owen wailed, "Tosh?"

She stuck her finger in her ear and wriggled, a look of horror as she confirmed hers were out as well.

"Well I don't even know where mine bloody are" Gwen harrumphed, then remembered her hair.

Tosh pulled out the dead bird and Gwen shrieked as she did a little 'icky dance' around them.

Owen checked his phone that had thankfully survived intact, in his inner pocket.

COMMS OUT. WHERE FUCKING THIG?

He waited, watching Gwen rubbing her hands over herself as she made noises of disgust.

THIG? DO NOT KNOW ANY THIG

"Fucker!" Owen snarled, punching at the keys.

THING YA WNKR! WHEA

Tosh has spied the screen and giggled as they waited for Ianto's reply.

TO LEFT OF YOU POS

Owen looked to his left and motioned, the girls trudging along.

BN WKN 4 2 FKN MOLES FKR! HNGRY!

Owen was tired and couldn't see the SUV

POOR BBY I RUB TUM MAKE BTR?

Owen's eyes narrowed as he recognized Jacks' humour.

WEA TBOY?

BUSY. MY TBOY MY JOBBIES WNKR!

"Thinks he's funny" Owen said to himself as he tripped over some tussock grass, "Fucker."

JOBBIES SHUD B AFTR HRS

"Found it" Tosh crowed, holding up something the size of a cigarette packet.

DIRTY MIND DIRTY JOB

"You are fucking joking!" Owen gaped as he looked up from the screen, "Really? All this for that?"

FND IT WEA SUV

Owen looked around as the girls placed the thing in a small containment box and did wet high fives.

TO YA RIGHT

Owen trudged back towards the SUV

HOW FAR?

Owen still couldn't see it.

THREE MOR MOLES

Owen snorted at the spelling mistake

MOLES? YA MEAN MILES MUPPT

They found the SUV and climbed in, not caring a jot about the seats. Ianto's problem, Owen grinned to himself. Twat.

They got back to the Hub and entered, Gwen carrying the containment box.

"Wow! A day spa was it?" Jack laughed as he looked at them.

"Fuck off!" Owen sighed, heading for the shower.

He opened his locker and let out an almighty scream of horror as he came face to face with …things.

He saw teeth, fur and beady eyes as he flew back over the bench, landing on his butt.

"Ah, there you are! Naughty things" Ianto sing-songed as he scooped them out of the locker.

"What the fuck are they?" Owen demanded.

"Moles."

"What?"

"Moles Owen." Ianto turned with a twinkle in his eyes as the team watched on the CCTV in the main hub.

"Moles?"

"Yes, you said you had been walking for two fucking moles. Thought I would help by finding you some. My job to procure what you need. Don't know what you were needing for them for. Bloody hard to get a mating pair but these two seem quite happy." Ianto quipped, holding them out, "You are right though. They do fuck for quite a while!"

"So … when you said three more?" Owen hated to ask but couldn't stop himself.

"Ah well" Ianto rolled his eyes as he opened the next locker to reveal more, "Jack does love his orgies."

.

.

.

Sentrosi kindly pointed out my spelling slip up in Day of the Wolf … snort.

Ya know, I still don't see it? Hahahahahaha, my eyes, my eyes!

Started me thinking about it, I do love to take the piss at myself for my dyslexia and I do rely on spell-check a bit too much when this is the result.

I cringe sometimes when I read something back and see a BIG stuff up that I couldn't see at the time of posting. Sometimes I just leave it because … well. Ya all know I'm nuts, why pretend.

Hoped you like it buddy.


	2. another one

"Ow! Ah, shit!" Owen howled through the comms as Ianto increased his pace.

"Fuck!"

Ianto lengthened his stride until Jack was no longer able to keep up with his ex-marathon running partner.

"Owen, where are you!" Ianto panted as he rounded the bushes and found a trampled area of grass, but no acrid doctor.

"Behind you, goddamn it!" Owen was sitting under a tree, rubbing at his eyes as he struggled to his feet.

Ianto was to him before Jack rounded the bushes and Jack leaned forward, clutching his knees as he panted.

"Let me see" Ianto said softly, pulling at Owen's hands.

"Fucking hurts!" Owen whimpered and Ianto grimaced as he saw what looked like mucus across Owen's face.

"It … what, spat on you?" Ianto asked as he reached for his backpack, rummaging through it and coming up with a water bottle and snap ice pack.

Ianto snapped the crystals, shaking the pack until it started to freeze and held it to Owens face as Owen relaxed with a grateful moan. The pack continued to set, moulding to his face as he sighed with relief.

After a while Jack walked over and assessed the situation.

"Right" Jack snarled, "Tosh? Got a direction the bastard went?"

Jack took off as she gave instructions and Ianto stayed with Owen, more concerned for his friend.

_Sure, they fight sometimes but all friends do, it's how some communicate._

Owen finally signalled for the water and he leaned forward, tipping his head as Ianto gently ran the water over his face, followed by a wet cloth.

Owen straightened up and applied the ice pack again.

Shots in the distance informed them that the day was won.

"Couldn't keep up with ya?" Owen muttered.

"No, really annoys him." Ianto sighed, "I keep forgetting to slow down, I just … you sounded hurt and I forgot his need to win."

"It's the coat" Owen dropped the ice pack and blearily blinked at Ianto.

"Pardon?" Ianto canted his head as he bent to examine the red piss-holes in the snow Owen called eyes.

"The coat slows him down" Owen clarified and a snort told them the comms were still open.

"I'll have you know; my beloved is quite aerodynamic." Jack told them haughtily, "As for winning, Ianto, did it ever occur to you that I let you win?"

Ianto stifled a giggle as Owen smirked, "I see. So you only pretend to blow a bloody gasket and half shit yourself when he does his 'million dollar man' bit."

"Stuff off!" Jack muttered down the comms, "Shit, he stinks!"

"Yeah, I don't' know what it is, but it is not bloody friendly" Owen sighed.

"A Trexertopillas" Jack informed them, coming into view with the body slumped over his shoulder.

He had a huge grin that faded as he realized Ianto could see the blood dripping all over the coat. Oh yeah. "Oops?"

"Let's go home, my eyes hurt" Owen pouted as he stomped off, towards the SUV in a snit.

The next day the girls were cooing over the red faced doctor. The venom laced mucus had left a small mark around his eyes like a panda bear and Jack had to keep reassuring him that it would fade.

"It happened so fast" he whined as Gwen awed and pulled his head into her boobs.

"Poor wee Owen" she crooned.

"It was so fast, it really stunk!" Owen whined.

"Like what?" Tosh asked, genuinely interested.

"Like a kick to the gonads!" He replied, "You know, like red hot pokers!"

"Well, I'm sorry but I have no desire to smell your ball sack!" Tosh huffed and Ianto froze in the doorway, causing Jack to walk into him.

"Ah, poor Owen" Jack simpered, "We can't all have award worthy packages buddy."

Owen looked confused.

"Why would you smell my sack?" he finally asked.

"Because you said it stunk like one!" Tosh laughed.

"Stung. Stung, Jesus, I had a mouthful of boob!" Owen snarled, "Don't judge me!"

Ianto leaned against the wall as he laughed and Jack just shook his head.

"Actually" Jack finally said. "I remember an odour."

"Yes," Ianto eyeballed the doctor, "You stank. Are you sure it was the mucus? You didn't … er … have a wee accident did you? You said it stunk. Stank?"

The Ianto frowned as he looked confused, "Stunk?"

"I meant Stung!" Owen stamped his foot and Ianto gave in as he could not fairly taunt a child.

The girls slapped at him as he grinned at them like a typical little brother.

Jack smiled as he watched his family at play.

.

.

.

.

**Yeah, I did it again. Reading a chapter I had posted and saw the typo. Thanks Spell check. You rock.**

**Stunk instead of stung.**

**Well, maybe his eyes did stink!**

**I didn't even use that word; I would say it stank.**

**When the eyes stung.**

**Any idea which story I did this in?**


End file.
